16 June 2007
Consumer Relations Department
Arnold Bread
c/o George Weston Bakeries
P.O. Box 976
Horsham, PA 19044
800-984-0989
RE: Your Gratifying Bread and the Dissemination Thereof
Dear Gentleperson:
Over the course of the last few days I have found myself in the company of
a loaf of bread provided by yourselves to satiate my hunger. It is a 15 Grain loaf,
and I have a few words about it that require your undivided attention.
Please continue to read.
Thank you. Over the course of my life I have exhausted no shortage of bread products and it is with a keen sense for taste that I now write in your defense. Your bread, far from cutting corners, delights in the amount of Grains it proudly proclaims on the label. Any rational human being could, if they weren't already jaded by the pitiful fare Sara Lee attempts to pass off as wheat, count the different grains in their mouths and still miss a few. That you have lowered yourself to providing the average American with such a product is a high testament to your nobility and mettle.
Unfortunately, you are not doing enough. There are still those who are being subjected to the gruel produced in the filthy, mold-infested industrial factories of Pepperidge Farms and their ilk. Those people, too, are citizens and they need your help. Your choice to market your bread only in certain regions instead of making it the sensation it was destined to be hurts both yourself and those who are begging for your mercy. Please immediately desist with any campaign you have in place to keep your bread out of groceries everywhere, and please do not hesitate to immediately and vociferously attack and destroy those manufacturers of artificially induced grain that flatter themselves with the title of your 'competition.' You are leading us out of the dark ages of grain, but I beg you to travel as swift as light.
Yours in Enchantment,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon